My girlfriend figured out who you are.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
