dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
