He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
