i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
