Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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