my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
