Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
