apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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