just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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