Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm bleeding and have questions
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
