My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
