I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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