at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
