Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
