my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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