sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
