Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
