Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
