i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
