i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
