I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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