i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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