Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
