A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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