i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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