I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
