Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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