were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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