just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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