hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
