Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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