I'm jealous of your bromance
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
