I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up