see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
