Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
