i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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