This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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