Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
