What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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