the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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