Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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