Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
