she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
