I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is Oprah even human
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
