So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
