i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
