i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
