I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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