I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
