Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
