So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
