Just fell off a train. Bad.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
