me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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