You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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