Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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