Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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